i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
40s are totally the cure
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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