that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
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Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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