dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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