Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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