May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this just has baby written all over it
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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