Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
