we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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