I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
