She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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