My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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