these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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