i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sext me about skeletons
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
