my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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