thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
