i think my tv is drunk
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
