the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm like, not good at living.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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