dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
