Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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