It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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