should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
