Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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