she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
