I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
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nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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