You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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