it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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