He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
