i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
