I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
