I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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