i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
