So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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