There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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