This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
