i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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