don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
