From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
