he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
