i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
