i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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