Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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