Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I need to align my fucking chakras
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