Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
