he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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