I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my phone needs a breathalizer
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
