I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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