He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
