My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
