I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
