Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
