Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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