I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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