I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
