but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
