Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
