That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
