Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
