to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
