I think my vagina is haunted
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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