i just wanna soil my oats bro
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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