Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
