The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
