Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
