Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
